Affair Recovery: Forgiving and Being Forgiven

by Judith L. Beebe, L.M.F.T

The Subject of Forgiveness

In addressing affair recovery, we use a process that involves what I call the Body, the Heart and Meaning. When working through recovery, we refer to Body as it relates to what happened and when, and the physical effects of the infidelity. Heart refers to developing an intimate language of speaking and listening to each other. Meaning refers to the couple’s individual and shared meaning of events and values. (See my article “Resuming Sexual Intimacy after an Affair” for a more complete explanation of Body, Heart and Meaning.)

The subject of Forgiveness starts to come up in our sessions after spending significant time together talking through the effects of infidelity on the Body, Heart and Meaning. We prioritize the Body, Heart and Meaning for several reasons. The first is to allow both partners to feel personally stabilized. We also build the partners’ vocabulary around their experience, so that they can talk more meaningfully about everything in the relationship, and forgiveness in particular. This isn’t to say that I steer my clients away from talking about forgiveness early in their recovery. Talking about forgiveness early in the process, with support from the therapist, can become a very hope-building moment.

When the couple brings up forgiveness, this tells me that they are emotionally stabilized enough, and equipped with the vocabulary, to take on this weighty subject.

But while they may be emotionally ready to talk about forgiveness, they may be fatigued as well, after many months of couples counseling. At this point in the process, my couples are beginning to notice that other areas of their lives need attention. They haven’t just been working on affair recovery: they may have careers or family members as well as their health and wellness to attend to. The couple may feel that they have fallen behind in other important areas of their lives during the affair and the recovery process. Catching up to and reconnecting with the other important people and concerns in the couple’s lives is a very rewarding, but demanding process for them.

Acknowledging the Hard Work

So much has been asked of the couple at this point in the affair recovery process that both partners need acknowledgement of their hard work to get to this point, and a little gentleness when it comes to this subject. This is where I highlight a couple of things related to each partner’s tremendous personal value and worth. Cheating, or being cheated on, can never diminish a human being’s intrinsic value and worth. We don’t forgive, or receive forgiveness, to have that value restored. It has always and consistently been there. This means that we are free to forgive or not, ask for forgiveness or not.  Both partners are equal in this.

The Process of Forgiving

Forgiveness looks a little bit different for each couple, in terms of what they do to reach a place of forgiveness, what they find forgivable, and in the outcomes for the relationship. Each individual needs and deserves plenty of support, and some space to think through what they want, what they need, and what they can give. For this, we move through the affair recovery stages in reverse order, from Stage 3, Meaning, to Stage 2, the Heart, and finally Stage 1, the Body. Reversing the order is effective for my couples in a few ways. It allows us to extend the time working on Meaning, after the couple has just recently learned how to apply it to their relationship. In this stage, “Heart Statements” are a natural ending to a conversation about meaning. A Heart Statement is when you tell your partner how you're feeling right now, or how you're affected by what they just did or said. This allows your partner to hear you on a deep-heart level. And a second round of discussions about what happened when, in the Body, are a natural segue to a late-stage part of therapy called Remembering.*

Some of this work happens in our couple’s sessions, and some happens in individual sessions. But a lot of the work is done between sessions, independently by each partner. Journaling, mindfulness practices, taking a long walk, having a good workout, or doing arts and crafts can help us think things through. The meaning of forgiveness is particular to each individual and their personal situation. The discussions about meaning that we have in Stage 3 of affair recovery form a very useful foundation for talking about the meaning of forgiveness to each person. Going through something as life-interrupting as an affair discovery can cause us to question the meaning of a lot of things about our life, from the little day-to-day things to the core issues.

Philosophy of Life

Everyone has a philosophy of life, and we put that philosophy into action when we make everyday choices and in our more challenging times.  Some people are able to verbalize their personal philosophy as it applies to their everyday lives. Others don’t give it much thought until they reach a crisis point in their lives. In therapy, we talk about how one’s personal philosophy helps us to clarify the issues. In times of crisis, we might question our personal philosophy, and find that it needs revising. Others consider themselves to be more practical-minded than philosophical. These people live out their philosophy by the pattern of choices they make in work, relationships, recreation and solitude. It’s been very moving to me to be a part of the process, while couples discover how healing it can be to understand more about themselves and each other.

So, with each person’s own philosophy of life coming into play, they talk about forgiveness in a very personalized way. Some of my clients experience forgiveness as a decision of the will. Talking with their partner on a deep-heart level helps them to make their decision, and confirm their decision. The skill of making and listening to Heart Statements comes in handy here. A decision to forgive is a vulnerable action. It can feel like excusing a wrong, or letting yourself be harmed, without enough emphasis on justice. It takes guts to make a decision to forgive, and we treat that decision with the utmost respect in our sessions.

Other people experience forgiveness by being fully present with their partner, being mindfully aware of “the good, the bad, and the ugly.”  Without making excuses for the partner’s hurtful behavior, they find the ability to connect. They regain the ability to find things they like and love about their partner. There is a special kind of empathy in this process. This is a long-term way to go about forgiving; it’s a marathon, not a sprint. I respect my clients’ willingness to embark on this process.**

Shared Meaning and Heart Statements

Growing out of all of these elements: the decision to forgive, the courage, the mindful awareness, appreciation and love, a new shared meaning between the partners emerges. Some of my clients call this sense of a new shared meaning their “Marriage 2.0”. This is one of the very best examples of making meaning together in psychotherapy. The couple might want to craft a meaning statement, which helps them remember how they both have grown and changed, and how their relationship has changed, through the recovery process.

The couple will naturally find themselves using their Heart Statements, learned in Stage 2. Heart Statements are the most healing when they reflect how the speaker feels inside at this moment in time. Heart Statements, combined with the changed patterns in the relationship, make it easier to know oneself and one’s partner intimately, in an updated and fresh way. These all contributes to rebuilding trust, and helping the partners feel more personally secure, and more secure in the relationship. This doesn’t mean that forgiveness will happen faster or that it will happen completely or happen at all. Feeling more secure, that you’re on a solid footing, is a major goal of affair recovery in and of itself. Forgiveness will happen, to a greater or lesser degree, when it happens. The heart cannot be rushed without unbalancing someone while they are trying to forgive.

Changed Perspectives

When we take a second look at what happened during the infidelity, in light of all of the accomplishments made in communication, intentional time together, and rebuilding trust, those events and behaviors look a little different in some key ways. We highlight the work we did in Stage 1, including establishing a total stop to the outside relationship, and putting healthy boundaries in place in all of the couple’s relationships. In some ways, the act of infidelity looks just the same, but now we have better tools and vocabulary to understand it. Time by itself doesn’t heal the partners or the relationship completely, but time combined with teamwork and personal reflection help a lot. We affirm the feeling that the infidelity was something in the past that happened to the couple, but does not define them.

Forgiveness, to the degree that it is possible, helps us to put the trust injury in the past. This makes space for new rituals, new memories made, and new adventures together. The new things in the relationship help the distressing memories of the affair and its aftermath to become less dominant. The couple does a lot of hard work to set the stage for forgiveness. But there’s no amount of effort that can make forgiveness happen, as desired as it may be. Being forgiven by the person you’ve hurt, on their own terms and timing, and under no obligation, is a true gift.  Being able to forgive is also a gift, and a weight lifted.

So, we approach forgiveness as a possibility, not an obligation. Even if a person’s efforts to forgive don’t lead to a clear conclusion, it’s a journey well worth embarking on. I haven’t seen any of my clients who commit to the challenging work of trying to forgive, come back empty-handed. They come through the process with more knowledge of themselves, their personal philosophy and values, and what they want and need in a relationship. They have the opportunity to hear and see their partner much more clearly than before. I see many of my couples finish their affair recovery work with a stronger and healthier relationship than they’ve ever had before. They tell me that they feel much more connected, with better communication, and better able to stay emotionally connected in their relationships than they were before the infidelity.

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* The term Remembering was first developed by Frederic Bartlett, a psychologist, in his 1932 book, “Remembering: A Study in Experimental and Social Psychology”.

** The philosopher and novelist Iris Murdock’s book “The Sovereignty of Good” was instrumental in helping me develop my thoughts on the individual’s personal philosophy.