When I accepted a position as therapist in a group practice in New York City, I had one reservation about the population I would be serving. I had three small children at the time, and was committed heart and soul to the parenting process, and to my children’s healthy development spiritually, physically, emotionally and educationally. Being eleven years into the process of parenting, I was quite aware of how much I had been investing for their benefit. Naturally I was concerned that if my younger clients complained about their parents, I might not be able to empathize with my client, and might actually side with the absent parent.

What I encountered in my sessions quite surprised me. Most of my clients spoke of their parents with gratitude, pride and love. They wanted to understand their growing-up years from their parents’ perspective, and had sympathy for the struggles of their parents. Of course there were many who had sought counseling because of significant woundedness in their families of origin, which limited their ability to empathize with their parents, or to love and respect them. Interestingly enough, these clients looked forward to the day when they would make peace with the parents who had at times neglected or abused them, or failed to protect them.

On a very fundamental human level, there is a part of each of us that remembers what it felt like to be young and helpless, and when it would be life-threatening to be without love and nurture. When a parent is a good parent, we never forget to need them, and to love them for their care, sacrifice and modeling of what it is to be human. Sure, there are mixed feelings, bad memories, and hurtful words exchanged in even the best of families. But around Mothers’ Day and Fathers’ Day, when we have the opportunity to show Mom and Dad our appreciation, it can be helpful to reflect on why we have parents.

1 – Parents teach life skills, with purpose. What do humans do when they are hungry, tired, or need connection? Parents teach children how to use language; how communicate hunger, and how to eat; how to fall asleep; how to label and express emotions; and how to keep their bodies clean. Some parents exercise a lot of control over these learning processes, and others prefer to let the child discover what works best. The tendency to exercise more or less control can vary depending on the age of the child, or in response to the child needing more or less help with learning a particular set of skills. Parents of young children often vow to teach their child differently than how they were taught. What is more important than the style of parenting is that healthy parents notice a child’s needs, and then organize solutions around those needs. Healthy families communicate that beyond mere survival, someone cares about the child as a person. Parents who meet their child’s basic needs consistently, and while communicating personal interest in the child, have children who are more hopeful and purpose-filled.

2 – Parents teach not only values, but also that there are such things as values. Babies show concern and distress when they notice that another baby is in distress. Parents teach children that there are ways to respond to another’s distress, and that they can comfort someone who is suffering. In healthy families children learn right from wrong, but healthy parents also go beyond teaching consequences. They teach that there isn’t a rule governing every situation, so that sometimes a young person will have to really think and process what the right response is to a given situation. They teach that “doing the right thing” matters because every human being is worthy of dignity for their humanity. When a young person chooses to make bad choices, good parents consistently remind him or her of the values involved.

3 – Parents teach sacrifice, and to expect sacrifice. Sharing toys, taking turns, and breaking the candy bar into fair halves, are all childhood exercises that lead children to be thoughtful of others, and to expect thoughtfulness from the people they are close to. When parents coach their child to pick out a really nice birthday gift for their friend, and not just the first thing they see in the store, kids learn to think beyond themselves. The popularity of various service projects for teens speaks to the desire among today’s parents for their teens to learn that the needs of people out there are just as important as getting good grades. Experiencing “life after sacrifice” leads young people to be givers, and to be attracted to others who are generous with their time, talents, and finances.

Good parents model sacrifice too. My parents participated in the civil rights movement, volunteered with Meals on Wheels, taught Sunday school, and served on the PTA. One Christmas, my Mom and Dad organized their Bible Study group to provide all of the Christmas presents as well as groceries and heating fuel to a family in our neighborhood, a Mom with five children. As I listened in on conversations about the arrangements, and watched the piles of Christmas presents grow in the living room of our little house, my desires for Christmas and for my life shifted, and I became a human being. Character is love in action. Children of all ages do notice character in their parents. As long as the child’s needs are not neglected in favor of needs outside the family, children derive from their parents’ character a particular kind of security that motivates them to respond to the needs of others. This is how character begets character.

Parents teach us that people need people, not just skills. They teach us about values, and that humans are more than just a collection of atoms. They teach us to give of ourselves, and to expect sacrifice from someone who loves us. Even through their mistakes, parents show us that something is wrong, or missing in our lives. In this Mother’s Day and Father’s Day season, if you have a parent who taught you to be human, you have much to be thankful for.

This whole dysfunctional phenomenon could have been questioned and challenged all along the way since the 1800’s, when Valentine’s day first began to be commercially promoted. The history of Valentine’s Day, of course, originates with St. Valentine, and weaves through the intervening centuries to include, most notably, the Victorian era, when handmade and mass-printed cards were exchanged. Because commercialization knows no bounds in our country, everything that is commodified will grow to its economically sustainable limit. What also happens in our free-market culture is that people tend to value things that cost money over things that don’t, and costly items over cheaper ones. As a result, as people have been able to afford to spend more on Valentine’s Day, everyone’s expectations of themselves and others have increased. People also want to avoid looking poor or stingy. Further, because our country has become more materially blessed and intimacy-starved, every scheduled opportunity to demonstrate love, or to have love demonstrated to us, has become heavy with meaning.

The following are a few of my questions relative to Valentine’s Day:

1. Since when did dating couples evaluate their suitability for a lifetime together based on one all-important day?
2. Since when did spouses only have the opportunity to express their love and appreciation to each other on only a few key days each year, such as Valentine’s Day and their anniversary?
3. Why do competent, attractive adults allow their self-esteem to plummet, in some cases for weeks, in the aftermath of a particular day of the year?
4. Don’t most parents already know that children can be selfish? Have their memories of the holidays been forgotten in six short weeks?
5. What can people do to feel better about Valentine’s Day, and restore it to its appropriate role as a fun excuse to tell people we care about them?

The answer to all of these questions lies in the conscious development and daily maintenance of what I call “heart intimacy”. Whereas physical intimacy refers to human connection on a deep physical level, heart intimacy refers to deep hear-to-heart connection between people. Living in a very busy and very mobile culture creates a threat to heart intimacy. But a few key habits can strengthen and enlarge one’s capacity for heart intimacy, and improve one’s relationships all year round.

First, maintain relationships old and new on a daily basis. This may require less “chill time” spent on entertainment. But most people’s friends and family are more interesting than television and the Internet anyway. Certainly, shy people or very busy people face a challenge when they make the effort to maintain old and new relationships. Making small steps on a daily basis can ease the stress associated with initiating a connection with someone else. Simple efforts, such as spending ten uninterrupted minutes conversing with each of your family members each day, can provide a strong foundation of heart intimacy in your home. Contacting a friend who sent a holiday email, and enjoying some more in-depth conversation about each other’s year, can provide a sense of connection in a disconnected world. One exception here: no one should feel obligated to connect with anyone who routinely makes them feel guilty, angry, or depressed. It is healthy to stay in charge of whom to spend more time with, and whom to spend less time with.

Talk to the people you care about, and be a good listener too. Tell people what is happening in your life, and try to maintain close communication with at least one person who knows your failures, disappointments, and weaknesses. Learn how to listen to friends and family. Ask prompting questions, and listen to the whole answer. Empathize when possible, without attempting to solve the other person’s problem or dilemma. People think this kind of listener is very wise and caring, and they want to stay connected with someone who listens well. I once overheard two men talking as they walked down my street at lunchtime. The first man said, “My daughter’s soccer coach won’t play her”. The other man listened, then responded “Sucks, man.” This was good active listening, followed by the most pithy empathic statement I have ever heard. The first man nodded his head as he allowed his friend’s comfort to work in his heart. Maintaining relationships all year round, and being a good talker and listener, can go a long way towards protecting one’s self-esteem from the post-Valentine’s blues.

A few words for couples are in order here. It is very wise to practice what couples’ therapists call “turning towards”. This is simply a matter of noticing when you have a choice to turn away from your partner or towards your partner, and usually turning towards the other. So if there is a choice of eating right now or waiting thirty minutes to eat together, the healthy choice is to try to eat together. Similarly, if there is a particular piece of good news to share, or a difficult dilemma to be resolved, one’s partner should be the first to hear about it. Couples who turn towards each other on a regular basis, not just on Valentine’s Day and their anniversary, have a sense that they work as a team. Finally, couples should strive to have much more positive interactions than negative ones. Always to be avoided are such no-no’s as personal criticism, such as “You’re so lazy”; or cynical comments, such as “Sure, I’d love to take your mother shopping on Saturday morning, instead of sleeping in.” Dr. John Gottman and his co-writers have conducted extensive couples research, and have written several very useful books covering healthy heart intimacy for couples.

Parents are famously self-critical these days, and no more so than in the area of raising children who will grow up to be loving, kind and thoughtful adults. While their children make faltering steps toward this goal, it is important to remember that empathy is learned over the whole growing-up process, as children grow to feel empathy at deeper levels corresponding to their mental and emotional development, and their experiences of encountering people in need. It is important for parents to model and teach thoughtfulness with an emphasis on what positive things a child can do to reach out to others, rather than chastising a child for being selfish. Holidays such as Valentine’s Day are useful teaching times for parents, but caring can be taught any time the parent sees an opportune moment. There is little need to fear that a child will grow up to be callous, uncaring and self-centered, as long as the child receives appropriate care growing up, sees love modeled, and is helped and encouraged to extend kindness to others.

Doubtless, Valentine’s Day can be really trying for people who are in difficult relationships, are lonely, or who just feel repulsed by the commercialism of the day. It can truly feel like the nadir of existence, especially for women who feel that they don’t have enough control over what happens in their relationships on this holiday. It is reasonable that some people would want to see Valentine’s Day in its current form be banned, boycotted or abstained from. But I have hope that this “Hallmark holiday on steroids” can be restored to its simple role as a day to show love to those we care about, and to enjoy a little chocolate.

I have to say that I am one of those saddened, but not shocked by the news of Ms. Jones and others. She must be grieving some significant losses as she returns her Olympic medals and prepares to serve a jail term. And if she is grieving, I grieve with her. Publicly admitting her use of banned substances, and subsequently returning her medals, was the right decision, but humbling, if not humiliating, to carry out, to say nothing of the legal consequences that have followed. Everyone who makes a decision this painful needs support during the process.

With increasing multiculturalism, a globalizing economy, climate change, and scientific and technical advancement, people in all sorts of careers and fields of endeavor are faced with brand new and deeply troubling dilemmas to be resolved. Many of these new issues are not governed by pre-established laws, ethical standards, or precedents.. Further, there are usually clear winners and losers, blessed and disadvantaged, as a result of the momentous decisions being made today. These factors create a heavy weight of responsibility for those who make the decisions that will shape the 21st century. Social science of the 19th and 20th century theorized that independent decisionmakers who are faced with difficult dilemmas, will consider the rules governing their choices, and the probable outcomes of following or violating those rules, and then choose what they predict will lead to the best outcome for themselves and the people they care about. Altruism would have been considered an anomaly, a luxury reserved for those who feel they already have everything they need. There was no allowance in the social sciences of the last century for the possibility that some good decisions benefit everyone, and some bad decisions hurt everyone. But that is changing, and today’s decisionmakers could use some support, not towards making the same decisions that the last generation made, but in questioning past assumptions and looking for solutions that benefit everyone.

I hope Ms. Jones has had a supportive person coming alongside her in recent days, someone who could be called a trusted advisor. Trusted advisors don’t simply tell someone what to do, or support the current rule structure, but help the other person to become a better decisionmaker, and to grow in wisdom, personal responsibility, and leadership ability. The world needs more people who can imagine that someone else’s problem or dilemma isn’t their own, to be resolved in isolation. The burden can be shared, and creative solutions can be generated. The next generation deserves to be supported and taught this principle, at home, at universities, and in their workplaces. A trusted advisor could be a therapist, parent, school teacher, grandparent, clergy member, older sibling, colleague or peer.

A trusted advisor completes several specific tasks, which include the following:

1. Earning trust. Simply holding a leadership position, such as teacher, does not make one a leader. Trusted advisors have displayed over time that they live consistently with their ideals, have solid reputations, and keep their promises. They may not have lived perfect exemplary lives, but they have learned from their mistakes. They don’t demand that others imitate them, but they have personal qualities that make them worthy of imitation. They have strong and long-lasting friendships with their peers. They don’t have an emotional need to be followed by admirers and served by minions.

2. Listening well. Trusted advisors are not always those in front of a camera, speaking to an audience, or airing their views in the local newspaper’s editorials page. They are good at helping others to put their thoughts into coherent expression. They listen carefully, and ask prompting questions, helping others to describe their dilemma completely, including the pro’s and con’s, people affected, and possible outcomes.

3. Supporting the person, not just the decision. An acquaintance of mine had a very dear piano teacher who was like a second father to her. When she faced the dilemma of whether to end her long and successful concert piano studies to move into another field of endeavor, the teacher and his wife made it clear that they supported this young woman, irrespective of whether she continued piano or moved on to a new field. Years later, she still talks about how much she appreciates that level of support from them, that they loved her as a person, not just as a pianist.

4. Mastering the subject matter. Simply put, trusted advisors know their stuff. They have the proper training in the advisee’s area of interest, and they keep current, constantly honing their knowledge and skills. They need not resort to bragging, one-upping, and power plays to assert their superiority over others. Their knowledge is apparent by their words and conduct. Rather, they are willing to generously share their expertise, passing on a legacy to the less experienced.

In my therapy sessions with professional athletes, one common theme that I have encountered is that they are expected to be “coachable”; that is, to consistently follow the coach’s directives. A wise coach, in turn, keeps his or her directives simple, clear, and reasonable. This system will always have its merits, especially during competitions. But simple directives do not in themselves provide enough guidance for the more complex decisions that athletes face today, especially off the field. The “hear no evil, see no evil” ethic of athletes who do not fully question what substances are being administered by their trainers, is inadequate as well.

The day is coming in the sports world and in society at large, when the most successful newcomers to any field are those who are not only coachable, but also choose to have trusted advisors, those effective leaders who don’t make their decisions for them, but empower them to create a better world. It took guts for Ms. Jones to admit her violations, rather than to hide in denial and hope that the allegations against her couldn’t be proven. After her sentencing, she advised young people not to make the same mistakes she had made. Perhaps her experiences today will help her to develop into the kind of role model tomorrow’s world so desperately needs.

Fast forwarding to the New Millenium, I now live on an island where nearly everyone has come with the goal of seeing their life’s dream fulfilled. The “guests” who are my neighbors here in Manhattan would not use the word “fantasy” to describe their goals and aspirations, partly because the word carries more of a sexual connotation than it did thirty years ago, but also because the word “fantasy” connotes a desired object, outcome or situation that is almost unattainable and therefore separate from ordinary life, as in “fantasy” versus “reality.” A fantasy is thought to be something that might happen TO you, if you were very lucky, but probably could not have been brought about BY you. People entering the work force on my island, and in many population centers today, are not wasting time fantasizing, dreaming, or wishing for their goals to be fulfilled. They have been trained from early childhood to choose attainable goals and aspirations, and to categorize them as short-term, medium-term, and long-term, and to then start working busily and efficiently toward these goals.

Of course, success and achievement are very satisfying, and are necessary in some degree for one to make a living. I am deeply grateful to live in a country where the freedom to choose and pursue one’s own goals and aspirations is a legal right. However, I believe that when people are pressured to skip over the very necessary stage of dreaming, imagining, and fantasizing, in favor of getting on with the busy and efficient achievement of attainable goals, they suffer in various ways, and they miss out on other kinds of fulfillment that would make them feel more fully human.

The first negative outcome of a success-obsessed culture is a loss of personal uniqueness, confidence, and purpose. Many young adults arriving in New York City to attend their dream school, or to report for their first career-track job, feel that they are someone special because they were ranked in the top 10% of their high school class, or because they played the lead in their high school play, or because thy won an award back home. They quickly realize that they are surrounded by other super-high achievers, who were ranked higher at more competitive schools; have Broadway shows on their resumes; and have won more numerous and prestigious awards. This realization can be crushing and disorienting to people who have defined themselves through their achievements. This island can then seem like a cruel, confidence-shredding place, and it can be really difficult and stressful to face each day as “just another face in the crowd,” or as “nobody special.” A skilled psychotherapist or a trusted friend or family member can help someone who is feeling like “nobody special” to regain their confidence and purpose. Within a trusting relationship, the person who has lost confidence can be reminded of their intrinsic worth and value, outside of their achievements. This puts the role of accomplishments into a more healthy perspective, and frees up the person to more creatively reflect on their unique strengths and interests, and on what personal goals might make them more fulfilled and happy. Like Mr. Roarke and Tattoo, they can help someone who has lost their confidence to realize that it is not the fantasy itself that fulfills, but the personal growth that goes along with it.

Another negative by-product of a success-obsessed culture is the high incidence of anxiety and depression. Failure is depressing for everyone, but especially for those who are not accustomed to it and/or feel ashamed of it, as is the case for successful, high-functioning people. Many gifted people in their twenties and even thirties have their first-ever failure experience, and see this as an indication that they are not talented enough in their field of endeavor to succeed. They think about changing careers, and feel depressed enough about these setbacks to seek therapy for the first time. Others have a string of unbroken success, but maintain their busy lifestyles with too much reliance on adrenaline, leading to anxiety and even panic. Anxiety can feel just as strange and embarrassing to successful people as sad, depressed feelings. The anxious or depressed person needs the opportunity to examine their beliefs about themselves and about life, in a non-judgmental setting. They also need support from a therapist or trusted friend or relative, in order to process disappointment and worries, especially as these may be new experiences for them. Then they can develop resilience to setbacks and a deeper maturity, which help them to make wise decisions about their future. Another 70’s “phenom”, Edith Schaeffer, wrote that for someone to recover from tragedy and setbacks, they need someone to cry with them. People who have processed their disappointments and anxiety well, can then weather even the worst Island storm.

Success-obsessed cultures also feature a lack of connection where there should be empathy and caring. When people are obsessed with their personal success, they are not willing to sacrifice precious time and resources for relationships that don’t advance their personal goals. They become much more concerned with being “well-connected” than with having real friends. As a result, they can become deeply lonely, because they have no one with whom to share their successes and failures. They regret “using” people, and letting themselves be “used.” They almost always feel underappreciated. By contrast, the most fulfilled Island dwellers I have come to know are those who consistently place themselves in situations that demand they show empathy and caring for others. They maintain reciprocal friendships, they volunteer, they do pro bono work, and/or they participate in religious groups. They want to “give back”, which is another sign of personal maturity.

I was always fascinated by the untold stories on Fantasy Island. One guest might have had the dream of learning how to scuba dive, for example. Did that mean that the scuba instructor was a paid member of the staff, or was she perhaps another guest on the island, who had a life-long dream of teaching scuba diving on a Hawaiian island? That question leads to larger ones – were all of the people on the island guests, having their fantasies fulfilled, or were some of them staff? Were the staff members paid, or volunteer? The fee for a stay on the island was said to be some amount that was a significant amount to the guest, and in some cases as much as $50,000, but was that enough to cover all of the expenses? Did the guests’ families, or possibly a foundation, underwrite some of the costs? Mr. Roarke was supposedly endowed with magical powers. Perhaps he used those powers to magically stretch the money further. Whatever the untold story on Fantasy Island was, it involved sacrifice by someone for the sake of someone else.

Mr. Roarke and Tattoo didn’t think of Fantasy Island as primarily a place to get their own goals accomplished, but as a place to caretake, and a place to host others, leading them to then invest significantly of their time and resources for the sake of others’ fantasies. Paradoxically, spending time, emotional energy, and personal resources to advance another person’s goals and dreams can actually be more fulfilling than spending those same precious resources towards one’s own goals. A psychotherapist or trusted friend or relative can help a client to process what true success means. I care about Ricardo and Herve because in their entertaining way – remember Herve zooming around in that little white car? — they taught me a lot about fantasies, goals and the important things that shouldn’t be missed along the way.

The first thing to consider when trying to regain a sense of order and sanity in the home, would be to ask yourself a couple of questions. Do you consider yourself organized, disorganized, or a little bit of both? Do you feel organized at work, and disorganized at home, or vice versa? Some feel organized after they have spent an hour or two in one setting, but feel completely scattered during the transition from one location to the other. As a parent of a young child, you have probably noticed that the home and the workplace are organized very differently, so that the skills you have developed for an organized work life are not transferable to a home with small children. Some of the frustration parents of young children feel comes from the hard work their brains are doing to transition into or out of the home setting, while employing a new skill set that includes baby care, additional housework, pediatrician visits, and emotional caretaking, just to name a few.

Many parents who are not organized by nature have tried and failed with organization techniques that work for people who are already quite organized by nature, and become frustrated when the many details of child-rearing seem to pile up in an endless to-do list. On the other hand, the parents who consider themselves disorganized are often more flexible about changes in plans, for example. Organized people find frustration with the immediacy of their child’s needs. When your little girl bumps her head on the table leg, all schedules and lists are jettisoned in favor of stopping everything and comforting your child. A bad case of colic can make scheduling almost impossible for weeks, causing the organized parent to feel rudderless. However, the organized parent seems to receive less criticism for how their home looks, or for being late with household management tasks. In other words, there are advantages and disadvantages to being organized or disorganized by nature. Both types of parent face challenges and make sacrifices in adjusting to life with small children, and both are on a steep learning curve. Whether you are organized, disorganized, or have trouble transitioning, you can work within your style to regain a sense of control over your home and your life.

Recommendations for Organized People
Organized people feel more calm and productive knowing when they and their family members will do each activity in the day. They become stressed not knowing what comes next. When you are in an organizing frame of mind, some of the ideas below might come in handy.

1 – Collect organizing tips from books, websites, and friends. Implement them, and innovate upon them. Flylady.com is a good website to try, but after implementing their system for a week or so, you may want to make innovations of your own.

2 – Note the time it takes to do various tasks, especially the odious ones. You can use this information to refine your schedule, and also to motivate yourself to do some of your least favorite tasks. If you know, for example, that it only takes five minutes to clean your toilet, you can steel yourself to complete the task.

3 – Develop a workable schedule for yourself and for your children. Do not try to schedule your spouse, who may not find this helpful but intrusive! A workable schedule is not a “reach” for you, full of lofty goals, but a realistic plan based on your family’s needs and goals. Develop a family calendar, and make it accessible to your spouse. Paper or online schedules work equally well. An online calendar allows a parent working outside the home to interact with the schedule while at the workplace.

4 – Make one To-Do list for the week, not for the day. Keep your weekly To-Do list accessible. Your spouse may take interest in the list, and may offer to help you. Or your spouse may find it appropriate to add items to your list; however, that is only with your consent! If an item for your list comes to mind when you are busy doing other things, then you can simply add the item and go back to what you were doing. You are the best judge of when the weekly list is full. Some items may need to go on to next week’s list, and this is fine. Some items may be impossible to get to without your spouse’s help, or hired help. If something is really important and you need help, then definitely feel free to ask for help. Being realistic is a sign of maturity, not a sign of weakness or laziness.

5 - Be flexible. Just because something is on your schedule does not mean that it must stay on your schedule. Allow the weather or a child’s request to influence your plans. The peace of an ordered home provides short-term satisfaction, but if you can’t relax at all without everything in your home being scheduled and orderly, this may indicate that you are having trouble with anxiety. You may need to talk with a psychotherapist or a trusted friend about ways to feel at peace even when your home is a bit disordered.

6 – Touch each piece of paper once, and read each email once. Most of the organizing systems being promoted today include this advice, because the few minutes of time spent when the paper mail and email arrive, pays off in much time saved later. This habit involves taking the paper mail from the mail box, and then immediately putting it down in designated places. For example, the bills go in the bill box; the catalogues and magazines you want to read go in their own basket; the mail with your personal information, or credit card offers, go in the shredder, and so on. Another way to conquer the paper monster is to buy plenty of file folders, and a file cabinet/file box, and develop a system for organizing them that suits your family’s needs. Don’t waste a lot of time trying to get your files and your desk area perfect. Good enough is good enough. Reading each email once involves reading the message and then answering it, printing it, and/or erasing it. Saving it to another file or forwarding it to yourself, so that you can respond to it later, may cost you more time in the long run.

7 – Set aside some time for a mental and spiritual refreshing time each day, even if it is only twenty minutes per day. Stay-at-home moms seem to have the most trouble doing this. But whether a parent is home all the time, or juggling responsibilities in various locations including the home, they need some time away from others in order to maintain a sense of identity outside of their current roles. A strong sense of identity is a really good thing to be able to model to one’s children. Furthermore, the human brain and emotional system simply cannot function well when demands are being made upon it every waking moment. We all need to refresh and recharge daily to maintain a sense of well-being. Everyone has his or her own way to refresh, including a bath, some reading time, prayer or other spiritual activities

8 – Set exercise time into your schedule every week. Physical refreshment restores the body as well as the mind. Running after the kids doesn’t count! Modeling self-care to your children in this way can help them to develop good habits too.

9 – Allow yourself a preset amount of time for entertainment, such as TV, DVDs, Internet surfing, etc. If you stay within your preset limits, then you will most likely feel the benefit of a little entertainment break, without feeling guilty that you wasted a large block of time. An organized child will take to this system well. He/she can remember how much TV/internet/DVD time they have logged, and how much they are still entitled to. Some children can remember this data for the whole family!

Recommendations for Less Organized People
Less organized people feel more calm and productive knowing that they have spent their time well, and have been faithful to their obligations and the needs of their family. They have a love/hate relationship with home organization, because they often feel suffocated by schedules, To-Do lists, and pre-set plans. Less organized people possess the gift of being more flexible and open to the last-minute changes that are part of the scenery for parents of young children, and yet, ironically, feel harshly judged and criticized in the area of home organization. Whether you are characteristically not an organizer, or you just feel less organized at home or when transitioning, some of the ideas below might help you to regain a sense of your time being well-spent and your family’s needs met.

1 – Use transitional activities to move your brain into the next important task. Do you remember Mr. Rogers? Do you remember what he did when he entered his home? Most people born in the 1960’s can easily recall that he hung his sport coat on the hanger; removed his shoes and placed them in the closet area; he then laced on his comfy tennis shoes, and … put on his sweater! Develop a couple of enjoyable transitional activities, such as pouring yourself a glass of cold water with a lemon slice, reading a poem or psalm, or reading one story to your children.

2 – Use the “power hour”. This is simply setting a timer, or playing a music CD, or playing 12 songs on your portable music player, while you complete as many important tasks as possible in one area of priority. Areas of priority include cleaning; paperwork/emails; laundry ; de-cluttering your home; tasks one child needs you to do, such as set up doctor’s appointments; home repairs/maintenance. Your children might be napping, playing on the computer, doing their homework, or doing their own “power hour”.

3 – Develop, with your spouse, some short, medium and long-range goals for your family. Then during the day, when you notice yourself adding too many things to your day, or having nothing to show for a long block of your day, filter out activities that do not fit into your goals.

4 – You could use a list or not, depending on whether you find that helpful. The important thing for you is to see a task through the beginning, middle, and completion phases. If you are taken away from your task to take care of something else important, you can use a transitional activity to ease back in to the original task, until you have completed it.

5 – Be as disciplined as you can, but know that your worth as a parent is not measured by how organized you are! People usually feel constrained and suffocated by schedules that are too demanding or do not match the family’s overall goals. If your organizing system is reasonably flexible and in line with your family’s goals, then it will work for you, not against you, and will contribute to peace in your home, and goals being accomplished.

6 – Put all papers on one place.
Put all bills in one place.
Put all of each child’s things in their room/space. Teach them to do the same!
Even if your piles are not neat, you will be far less likely to lose important things. Although it may be momentarily frustrating to have to dig through a pile in order to find that insurance paper, there is no harm done by it as long as the document is there in that pile. If you are not a natural-born organizer, it may have taken you much longer to file it systematically. After you have used it this time, you can put it into the proper file, and into the file cabinet/file box, thereby reducing your search time in the future.

6a – As a corollary to #6, put important things in the exact same place each and every time. For example, where are your house keys? Where are the children’s immunization records? Mom, where is your engagement ring? Dad, where is your wedding ring? If these important things always go in the same tray/basked/box each and every time they are not on your person, this will simplify your life greatly.

7 – If you truly can’t carve out some time for mental and emotional refreshing, you may need help from your spouse, or a friend, or a hired helper in order for this to happen. A lack of personal time in the day is not a punishment for being disorganized; neither are you destined for martyrdom. You will always be at your best for yourself and your family if you have regular times of mental and emotional refreshing. Use your support network to get that.

8 – Exercise regularly. If you haven’t exercised in the last few days, get your spouse to help you by taking care of the children’s needs for 45 minutes, or hire a babysitter, so that you can get your essential physical refreshment. Lots of people are getting exercise buddies and scheduling time to work out together, with great success.

9 – Kill your TV. More realistically, decide what things you will watch, and use a recording device to save your shows. Only watch a preset number of the shows you have prerecorded. Never channel surf, as this will affect your brain waves – I’m not kidding! – and suck you in for hours of sloth followed by guilt because you wasted time and didn’t meet your obligations. Develop similar limitations with other forms of entertainment. You could watch a preset number of DVDs, or set your timer for a preset amount of time surfing the Internet. A child who is disorganized,or has HD or ADD should probably be allowed TV and electronic entertainment only when they do not have any other obligations pending, because it is so difficult to transition their brains from TV and electronics into tasks.

Finally, whether you are naturally organized or naturally disorganized, or have trouble transitioning from home to work, or work to home, bear in mind that ultimately, the primary purpose of your home is to be your home, not just to be an organized home. Your home is where you rest from the pressures of the day; where you express yourself and your values, and pass those down to your children; where you connect intimately with your family members; and where outsiders who enter will either feel peace or strife. All of these goals are better met in a home that is relatively clean and attractive, where meals are consistent, and deadlines are met. You may still feel disorganized as a parent, despite your best efforts, due to the surprises inherent in child-raising. But you, your spouse, and your children will still benefit from your dedication to your overall goals as a family .

Try to remember that your spouse is not the enemy. There is just simply an overwhelming amount to do, as parents of small children these days. The spouse who is more task-oriented is not a killjoy of a drudge, and the one who wants to rest is not therefore lazy and not contributing. The more you can bear with each other, help each other, and ask for what you need, the better you and your marriage can grow through the experience of raising young children. Remember that the societal expectations for a perfect home, perfect children, perfect resume and perfect body have not relaxed since our parents’ day, but have strengthened. Resist the urge to answer to those who would place pressure on you to be perfect, and remind each other of your personal and family goals and priorities. This is one way that both parents can model a strong identity to their child. When you possess a strong identity, this helps your child to develop confidence and self-esteem.

Notice that even when you have failed by adult standards, you are still doing a lot of important things by small-child standards. All day long, parents interpret language for their children; they make eye contact and physical contact; they listen, empathize, and act on their empathy, and much of the time this occurs “under the radar”. Parents quietly carry out the critical task of teaching their child to be human, almost without noticing that they are doing it. Some children have huge limitations physically, neurologically, and/or emotionally. Sometimes these problems cannot be rectified, and the parents feel like failures as a result. But whether you are blessed with a child who is developing well in every area, or a child who will always have to accept some big disappointments developmentally, you are helping your child reach his or her individual potential emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally.

Will your child remember how often you made the beds, or changed the sheets? Possibly. Will your children remember how often you listened and responded to them when they were hurt by something that happened at play group? Most definitely! Will your child remember whether the family dined on freshly roasted chicken versus Basket-o-chicken? Possibly. Will they remember that you sat down and ate with them? Most definitely. They may not notice or remember your computer filing system for their baby photographs, or that big pile of laundry that bore a strange resemblance to compost. But they will most definitely remember who taught them to be human. You are doing the most important job in the world. K-e-e-p o-n p-a-r-e-n-t-in-g o-n !

Additional resources:
Gordon MacDonald – Ordering Your Private World (Thomas Nelson Press)
Anne Morrow Lindberg – Gift of the Sea (Random House, Inc.)
John Gottman – Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (Simon and Schuster, 1997)
John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman – And Baby Makes Three.
Website – Flylady.com

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